Stroke

Grace, Grace, God’s Grace

March 9, 2014 by Ellen 30 Comments

I got the call while I was in the checkout line, unloading my groceries. It had been four weeks since my mama had her stroke.

“Ellen, it’s Bebe. I just need to let you know that Mom is so tired, so very tired. I don’t think you need to travel up here tonight, but she is just so very tired…”

Tears immediately flooded my eyes and began rolling down my checks. In the next few seconds, I was sobbing while I tried to talk to my sister-in-law.

“Tell her…” I gasped, tears streaming.

“That…” Sobbing, gasping.

“I love her.” Hysterical crying, gasping for air…

“Tell her…

She’s fought hard…
That it’s ok…

I know she’s tired.”

The cashier overheard my side of the conversation, and saw tears streaming down my face, snot dripping out of my nose, and drool trickling down the corner of my mouth. She quietly pulled four or five paper towels from her roll and handed them to me. I wiped away all the wetness (except for the tears that would not stop) and tried paying for my groceries. My debit card didn’t work. I was numb and stood there staring at the cashier. That sweet girl grabbed the card from my hand, and swiped it as a credit card. She never said a word. I thanked her with my eyes, and rolled the grocery cart through the doors. The alarm sounded! Weeping, I looked back with a question on my tear splotched face. She waved me through. She never spoke – just saw my heartache, my pain, and silently took care of me. She was the hands and feet of Jesus for me in that moment.

I wailed and screamed and wept on the drive home.

“God, please, I’m not ready to lose my mama! Please, not yet. It hurts! I’m not ready. Please, Lord, not yet!”

The next morning, I called to check on Mama. My brother said “Oh, she’s doing a lot better!” But I heard the sadness in his voice…

I drove the four hours to Jackson. When I walked in to her hospital room, Mama looked scared, tired and drawn. She was subdued. Did she know she had almost died?

Over the next several days, Mama slept a lot. When she was awake, she wanted to hold on to my hand – very unusual for my independent, strong Mama. While I sat there holding her hand, I read scriptures to her. The truth of God’s word comforted me as much as it calmed Mama.

Late one afternoon, I finally had to make the decision to return home. I leaned over Mama, gave her a big hug and kiss, and told her I loved her. I turned, before she could see my tears, and practically ran down the hall. Then I heard it:

“No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!” With that one long word, my mama begged me not to go. Her one word plea ripped the heart right out of my chest.

During the four hour drive home, I tried to sort out all the things rolling around in my mind. I was overwhelmed with, and drowning in my circumstances. I was worried about my mom. I didn’t want her to hurt or be afraid. I didn’t want to lose her. Over the past few weeks I had heard this often from my friends: “God’s grace will get you through!” Really?? How??

I knew the textbook definition of grace: God’s unmerited favor, a gift He gives that is undeserved. But how could that free gift of His get me through THIS? Where was this grace everyone talks about?

Over the next few days, I searched His Word and found this scripture:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (italics mine): But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I dug further, and found a sermon by John MacArthur with this description: Grace is God’s supernatural provision for our every need, when we need it. (“The Sufficiency of God’s Grace” sermon 6/24/90).

I needed that supernatural power and provision of God. And in my weakness – in my inability to emotionally handle this crisis – He met me. When I came to the end of my own ability, God met me with an abundance of grace. And it was sufficient.

When I got the phone call in the grocery store, His grace was sufficient.
When I heard Mama begging me not to go, His grace was sufficient.
While I was holding my Mama’s hand, expecting her to die, His grace was sufficient.

My head knowledge, my book knowledge, had turned into heart knowledge as I experienced God’s supernatural grace in my life. His perfect power took over when my weakness overwhelmed me.

Are you drowning in your circumstances, or flooded with His grace?

Thank You, Lord God, for Your amazing grace!

Photos by John Chauvin

Never Say Never

November 19, 2013 by Ellen Leave a Comment

I never dreamed when I lost Mama that I would gain a sister…

“All I have to say is, we will never be close. She will never be like a real sister to me. She’ll only be Steve’s wife. I will never spend any time with her. I live too far away to ever get to know her as a sister. I just don’t see it happening.”

With finality I closed the door on any type of relationship with my new sister-in-law, Bebe. I was extremely upset and hurt that my brother had left his wife of 30+ years and married this woman that none of us knew.

And then it happened. I got the phone call.

“Ellen, it’s Bebe. Steve and I are at Mom’s. It looks like she’s had a stroke! We’re waiting for the ambulance to take her to the hospital where I work.”

The following two months were a roller coaster ride. On the high side, Mama knew who we were. When we walked into her room, she waved with her good left hand. It looked just like a Miss America wave! On the low side, the stroke had paralyzed her right side and she was unable to speak. In addition to the that, Mama developed pneumonia, and also suffered from congestive heart failure. Some days it seemed like she would be able to recover to an extent, and then days later she would crash.

Many times I had to get updates via text and phone, since I lived four hours away. I traveled to Mississippi as often as I could to be with Mama and my brothers after her stroke. It was a tough balancing act. During this time, I learned to rely on Bebe’s knowledge as a nurse. I knew nothing at all about medical issues. I was clueless. Bebe was patient with me when I asked my usual 10,000 questions. She would explain the medical issues in simple terms that I could understand.

One afternoon, Bebe and I were the only ones in the room with Mama. As Mama slept, I visited with Bebe and had the opportunity to get to know her as more than Steve’s wife or Mama’s best and favorite nurse. It was so very obvious that she loved my Mama as her own.

Days turned into weeks, and finally the doctors admitted they could do nothing else for Mama. They recommended a nursing home with hospice care. Her lungs were not strong enough to fight the effects of the stroke and ever-present pneumonia. But the doctor’s ways were not Bebe’s ways.

“Steve and I will move in with Mom, in her home, and I can take care of her…for however long she has left. She won’t have to go to a nursing home. With everyone’s help, Steve and I can do this.” And so they did.

Two weeks later, Mama was gone. She passed away peacefully, with Bebe and my brother Wayne at her side. In the minutes following Mama’s death, my brothers and I left her bedside to grieve elsewhere and make those hard, necessary phone calls. Not Bebe. She lovingly stayed by Mama and arranged the bedsheets. When I came back inside I noticed those small things: how neat Mama’s bedsheets were; how her pajamas were smooth and tidy; how her hands were delicately placed on the bed.

Bebe lovingly cared for Mama in life; and she lovingly cared for Mama in death. I learned to love her for the way she loved my Mama.

When Bebe first came into my life, I couldn’t see God’s bigger plan. HE knew before the beginning of time that Mama would need Bebe. HE placed Bebe in our lives, just when we would need her most.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9 (NASB)

God’s ways are not my ways. God’s provision is perfect no matter the circumstance. I just had to open my heart, swallow my pride, and receive His gift of a sister.

This will be the third Thanksgiving without Mama. And while I miss her terribly, I am thankful that with the greatest loss I have ever suffered, I gained a sister.

Look around this Thanksgiving. Try to see your life from God’s eternal perspective. His plan is perfect. There is so much He wants to do for you and in you, if you will open your heart to Him!

Sovereign Lord, You are in control of even my most difficult circumstances. You knew me before I was born. You planned every person that has come into my life. You provide for my every need. I thank You! I open my heart to You and all You have planned for me, even if I can’t see it now. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen